Listen Well and Get Results.
Imagine being listened to by a skilled listener who hears what you say and not what they perceive, who understands what you mean and not what they interpret and who has the talent, empathy and open mind to truly LISTEN to what the communicator is saying instead of HEARING what they want to hear.
“An essential part of true listening is the discipline of bracketing, the temporary giving up or setting aside of one's own prejudices, frames of reference and desires so as to experience as far as possible the speaker's world from the inside, step inside his or her shoes. This unification of speaker and listener is actually an extension and enlargement of ourselves, and new knowledge is always gained from this. Moreover, since true listening involves bracketing, a setting aside of the self, it also temporarily involves a total acceptance of the other.
Sensing this acceptance, the speaker will feel less and less vulnerable and more and more inclined to open up the inner recesses of his or her mind to the listener. As this happens, speaker and listener begin to appreciate each other more and more, and the duet dance of love is begun again.
When a person is in the act of communicating with another person, she is fulfilling a need. The person wants something, feels discomfort, and/or has feelings or thoughts about something. This is the ultimate and most intimate act of sharing information; voice-to-voice communication. When the person on the receiving end of conversation is follows the etiquette laws of listening this will usually result in a satisfied outcome for both parties in that conversation. Two things need to happen for a good result: the speaker must know how to deliver and the listen must know how to listen.” M.
Following is an anecdote of a conversation gone awry.
I seldom engage in screaming matches with people but about one year ago, while in the kitchen with my teenage sons, preparing dinner and helping my 9 year old daughter with her homework I did just that. The phone rings. On the other end is a sideline supporter of my MiB vision and the services provided through the organization. It was the very same person who over the years had always said all the right things: “I support you, I believe in you, you go girl! Rah! Rah! Rah!” Invitations to network with us and participate in MiB-produced activities were usually politely refused with a host of excuses.
It recently came to my attention that this same woman who chose to decline my invitation to participate in a MiB-organized trade show (absolutely, positively her choice to make), had registered with another company to participate in a similar show (again; absolutely, positively her choice to make). I asked a simple question “Why didn’t you let me know that you were registering for a trade show taking place in the same week with another company?
Her answer, drenched in emotionally defensive tirades of finger-pointing accusations and escalating hysterics left no room for me to get a word in edgewise. I, in turn, explained that I would not tolerate being verbally disrupted and assaulted and could no longer engage in this conversation and hung up.
In that yelling match, it became clear that this person didn’t know how to listen. She was so caught up in her own emotional drama that she couldn’t
She was putting her ideas and interpretation in my mouth and I was not buying! She was a poor salesperson.
"The best salespeople are great listeners—that's how you find out what the buyer wants."
Larry Wilson and Spencer Johnson
Organizational Consultants
Incorporate these ten tips into your next conversation and you’ll see immediate improvements in how simple conversations can have a direct and positive effect on the quality of your relationships.
1. Remove distractions. Close the door, turn away from the computer screen, put down the book, and don’t answer your cell phone. Outside influences and distractions can interfere with important pieces of what is being communicated to you.
2. Face forward. When someone is talking to you, face them and give them the courtesy of looking directly at them. This indicates to them that you’re interested and listening while also eliminating potential distractions for you. Not facing the listener shows a lack of respect.
3. Make and maintain eye contact. Maintaining eye contact lets the other person know that you are in fact paying attention. Be sensitive to the comfort level of the other person so that eye contact enhances the listening without bringing discomfort to the speaker.
4. Keep body language neutral. Crossing your arms, placing your hands on your hips and turning away all indicate that you’re not listening and inhibits your potential. Lean in slightly toward the speaker. This increases your ability to listen and shows the speaker that you’re paying attention.
5. Do not interrupt. Interrupting someone while they’re speaking is rude and annoying and can cause the speaker to lose their train of thought. When you interrupt the speaker you risk missing a vital piece of information; a strong indication that you are not listening. If you must, grab a piece of paper and take notes then address your concerns when it’s your turn to speak
6. Prove that you’re listening. Nod and give verbal acknowledgments but do so appropriately. If you nod vigorously the entire time that the speaker is talking, it will distract you both and indicate that you’re not really listening at all. A simple 'yes' or nod and smile may suffice.
7. Keep an open mind. When the speaker says something that goes against your beliefs, your mind may want to scream in protest, but try to keep an open mind and listen to their defense and argument. You just might learn something. Or, you just might teach them something in your comeback statement.
8. Think about what the speaker is saying, not your next comment: We all do this. It’s natural to prepare a rebuttal, a differing opinion or an agreement. By doing this you’re concentrating your efforts on what comes next, not what’s being said in the moment and this leaves the door open to missing the point.
9. Ask questions. Clarify what is being said by asking occasional questions. This shows a level of interest beyond simple listening and indicates that you want to be sure you understand what the speaker is saying. Asking questions also opens the door to deeper conversation.
10. Sometimes compassion is enough. Sometimes people just want or need to be heard without any response. Venting to an objective listener (keyword: objective) helps the speaker find clarity. Sometimes, it’s OK to just listen. This is the most generous kind of listening and can be very effective for the speaker while enlightening the listener.
Poor communication and listening in that phone call led to the demise of a relationship. That’s how important it is to learn to do both well.
Listen Well and Get Results ©Shari Reinhart 2008