How to start talking about money with your partner

It's not easy talking about money, even with the people with whom it’s most important.    You, like me, may have heard that finances are a leading cause of divorce.  I can attest nearly half of my work as a money coach was with couples experiencing great tension about money.  They needed to learn how to have effective conversations about their finances if they were to resolve the tension and operate as an economic unit.

Initial conversations on the topic need to be approached with particular sensitivity.   Money touches on deep seated beliefs and emotions, and no wonder:  Our finances ultimately affect our very survival.   Here is a starter guide to constructive discussions about money:

1.  Give yourselves permission for Conversation #1 to be awkward, and possibly de-rail.  If it does, take a deep breath, and set a date to try again.   Remember, this is an ongoing process; commit in advance that no particular conversation will ever be a deal breaker.   On the other hand, there's a strong upside -- you may well experience a real breakthrough in any given talk.

2.  Start with what is working for you as a couple.   Here's one encouraging exercise that will help set the tone:

                    a. Each partner writes out a list of at least 5 financial strengths of their partner.   It could be:  She is confident in her ability to find the money she needs.  She is organized.   He is generous.  He is well-informed about the economy.  He ensures we have fun.

                    b.  Read your observations (all positive!) to your partner, aloud.  Validate what your partner is bringing to the table!  Do the same, vice-versa.

                    c.  Next, combine all these strengths into one list.  Post that list where you can both see it, and ground yourself in it.  Begin thinking of yourselves as an economic unit with all those strengths.

3.  Start with quick-wins.   For example, have a conversation about a specific, relatively small financial goal you both share - a summer holiday?  New furniture?  Together, strategize how to meet the goal.

Keep the focus positive.  Like all brainstorming sessions, let the ideas flow without judgment, then select a handful that appeals to each of you.   Follow through by implementing at least one of the strategies within a week of the discussion.

4.   Develop your understanding about your partner's approach to money.  Ask your partner to talk about how he experienced money while he grew up.  You will gain insights into why your partner handles money as he does now.   It's extremely important that you simply listen and put yourself in your partner's shoes.  This about developing understanding, and building your partner's confidence that it’s safe to open up on the topic.  Over time, this will help you be more detached about your partner’s approach to money:   Does he want his own savings account because he's not committed to you?  Or because when he was a kid he never, ever got to keep the money he received?   Does she panic about debt because she doubts you, or because she knows what it is to be in over her head?

5.  Stick with it.   Give yourself breathers, and if conversations seem counterproductive by all means step back and re-evaluate your approach, but stick with the process.  It could easily take two or three years, or even longer, before these conversations become generally comfortable and you find your way to operating as an effective economic unit.   Like most worthwhile projects, this takes time, so give it time.  Stick with it.

Nancy Zimmerman has been a money coach for over five years.  She is currently on sabbatical, but is still blogging and twittering about money at nancyzimmerman.com  or on twitter as @moneycoach.