MiBism 023: Complaining
Life is not static and because that is so, everything is subject to change. I am very open to change, usually embracing it as a sign of growth, a compass for moving in the right direction, an open mind that welcomes what is knew and unknown as a signal that something wonderful will result from embracing it.
Change is evolution and evolution is progress. From my platform today let me tell you, change is good. Sometimes, though, the way that change is initiated is, well, not so good. In this case, the only method to propagate change was to complain. And so, as a last resort, complain I did.
As Master of the Domain, or as I like to call it these days, Master of Evolutionary Change (MEC) I have uncovered a dirty little secret. No, not that! Complaining. Contrary to popular belief, incessant complaining directed to the right people will get you everywhere.
Naturally, as MEC of my own domain, I am living amongst the opposition, The Status Quo Holdouts. When feeling oppositional, things can get pretty ugly, you know, the bad language, and mean faces and the horns that sprout conspicuously from either side of my head. We get a little too loud, too personal, too defensive at times. But as MEC I have duty to ensure that I remain strong and get my way. The spouse and the kids aren't keen on that. Status Quo suits them just fine, they tell me. You know, a whole week's worth of smelly socks and uber-grungy undies and castle-high piles of clothes lying around the house is all just fine with the them.
They know that, eventually some earthbound angel will float through the house with octopus arms and magically create order where there was none. And they know that no matter how long and loud their mom screams to pick up and put away, eventually this earthbound angel finds her way into our house and brings order to chaos and harmony where there was only discombobulating confusion.
I confess. The angel was me. But I got tired. Worn out. Feeling used and taken advantage of, unappreciated for far too long and while I noticed life around me moving on I was stuck in a rut of continuous cleaning up after others. Over time I noticed my angel wings growing burdensome as they began to droop. I heard myself humming less and complaining more. I smiled less and scowled more. I was no longer the happy angel.
I became an irritable, angry angel. So, last week, an argument between myself and a beloved family member ensued causing me to remove my angels wings once and for all. I took out the boxing gloves and in a heartbeat of transformation went from earthbound angel to Master of Evolutionary Change. All before breakfast on a Wednesday morning.
Like I said at the beginning; life is not static. Things change. What it took me almost forever to realize is that much will not change until someone initiates it. Aha! Of course, that someone would have to be me if it is I who needs things to be different. What needs to change is the fact that I am still, after 18 years of momhood, doing all the household chores, for all members of the family.
Just for the fun of it, let’s list a few items that fall under household chores, shall we?
Laundry: collection thereof, loading in the machine and removal to dryer, folding, sock matching, separating, delivering to each room, hanging or placing in drawers. Start all over again.
Kitchen duty: Grocery shopping, loading the car, unloading the car, carrying in (usually 3-6 trips, putting away, cutting and washing the fruits and veggies, meal prep 3 times a day) setting table, cooking meal, clearing table, loading dishwasher, emptying dishwasher, washing pots and pans, wiping counters. Start all over again.
Carpool: To and from school, to and from hockey, to and from dance, to and from play practice, to and from friends’ houses, to and from movie theatres.
I won’t even get into the housework, changing bed linens, putting endless everythings away that the kids leave lying around, homework help, maintenance (light bulbs, fix everything that breaks, and incidentals (dr. appointments, banking, clothes shopping, peacekeeping, etc.,)
I have tried charts and chore wheels, I have tried allowance and bribery, I have tried appealing to their sensibilities and common decency, I have tried reward and punishment, and I have threatened with all the”if-you don’ts” that all of you have tried. To no avail. So I complained a lot, quite possibly at every turn I made, until this particular Wednesday morning when my son yelled right back at me, “all you do is complain, Ma. When will you stop???”
Devastated, I left the house without even a goodbye. This is quite possibly what my son will remember as he reflects back on his childhood. That his mother was always so unhappy that all she did was complain. I am so much more than misery in housework, than resentment in kitchen duty. Two days of digesting this pivotal opportunity to create change I decided from this moment forward I would not complain. Whatever jobs I could reasonably pass on to others I would.
I was very angry at my children for not appreciating what I do to keep them clothed and clean, their beds made and bellies fed, but through my act of complaining I learned that they could not possibly appreciate that which they do not understand. They’re in school all day so they don’t see what I do in a day. How can anyone appreciate that which they do not experience for themselves?
So, my eldest is now doing his own laundry and making his own lunches. My middle son is doing his own laundry. My youngest is vacuuming once weekly. And we all collaborate on setting and clearing the table for dinner.
Change is good it’s true, but complaining has its merits too!